An Unhealthy Relationship With Food
I wonder what it must be like for people who have no food issues. Oh, they may still be out of shape because they don’t exercise, or because holiday eating has caused them to gain a few pounds every year. But most of the time they don’t let food control them.
That’s a completely foreign concept to me.
I tend to be at one extreme or another. In phases like I’m in now, and like I was in for much of the summer, I eat correctly. Possibly TOO correctly. No slipping. No cheat days. Just right. I know I can’t let myself eat any sweets or junk food, because that flips the switch.
Of course, after a while I get cocky and let myself eat “just one bite.” I did that at the beginning of October, near my daughter’s birthday. Just one bite of cake. It won’t kill me, just one bite.
Then something in my brain, like a little switch, gets tripped.
Suddenly, when it comes to food, all reasoning is gone. I don’t know if I’m technically binging or not, but it’s bad. I stuff myself until it hurts. The more sugar, the better, and it doesn’t matter if it tastes good or not. And it’s always in private, because I don’t want people knowing what I’m doing, and under no circumstances do I want my children learning how to eat from me when I’m doing that. It’s always been like that. People will see me eating unhealthily, but they’re only seeing the tip of the iceberg.
“Sure,” you say, “but just don’t buy it and you won’t be tempted!”
That’s the standard advice, and I’ve given it too because it’s easy to say. What people don’t understand is that when I’m in that phase, I’m not thinking rationally. I end up doing things like frantically rummaging through the pantry, eventually coming upon (and eating) a jar of sprinkles meant for Christmas cookies. Or I’ll go to the store “for milk” but come home with a can of frosting, and will polish it off in one afternoon.
I know it’s terrible. Even while I’m shoveling handfuls of candy corn into my mouth, I know that the amount of sugar I’m eating will leave me feeling hung over in the morning. Diabetes? Yeah, I’m sure I’m giving it to myself, but it’s like I’m two different people…the one who’s eating it, and the one who knows better but is just an observer.
I wish I had a solution.
For now, I’m just thankful that I’m eating right again. And I’m thankful that I caught it after about a month this time, rather than going several months and gaining more than the several pounds I DID gain in October.
And I’m definitely thankful that I never stopped working out and that I have you Shredheads to listen to me.
Technically it’s bingeing. :-/ But it’s such an awful label to attach to yourself, I hate to attach to me, but I have to. I totally understand that once you start you.cant.stop until your stomach can’t take anymore.
I’m glad for a post and glad this Shredhead is here to listen, too.
I’m struggling to catch the tail of whatever beast ran away with my healthy eating regimen. I know what happened in broad terms – my injury messed up my body, my mood, my confidence, and that triggered old unhealthy eating habits. But where did the healthy habits go? Why can’t I find them again??
I struggle with the “binge” label, but it definitely applies to me with wine gums (random, I know). Hellcat13 can have a bag of wine gums in her desk and snack on them daintily over the course of weeks, but I’ll take a massive bag and eat them until they’re gone. I’ll eat them until I’m sick at the idea of eating even one more, but 2 minutes later my brain still supplies “Oooh! Wine gums! Om nom nom!!” It’s awful. And even knowing that I can’t eat just one or two or five, I still buy them. “Just one bite” is my Room 101 from 1984.
Like you, I’ve stuck with working out. Isn’t it odd that somehow workouts have become the EASY part of this healthy lifestyle business?
Seriously, Bill, are you in my head?
UGH. This is SO FREAKING HARD. ALL THE TIME. It\’s so frustrating. I will never be that person who just puts on three or five pounds because, oops, I bought a few too many avocados this summer. It\’s all or nothing. Either I\’m eating like a pig and going UP UP UP, or I\’m being strict and working my way back down.
Oh, and the eating in secret. OMG, the crap eating in secret. Holy hell do I do that.
@elsewise is so right – when did the exercise part become the “easy” part?
You are not alone!! I have done the exact same thing! A “switch” is exactly what I would call it. And yes, eating leftover, stale, old, lost it’s flavor Easter candy in August was my sin. Eaten while I was hiding in the pantry closet.
But there is hope. We are humans with human emotions.
Thank you for sharing your story, and giving me reason to feel I’m not alone.
I’m pretty sure this is Compulsive Overeating, which is a real disorder. It’s like binging but you don’t really purge in the way that a bulimic might. You’re either a saint (watching calories like crazy, never going “off the wagon”) or a sinner (eating anything—-I used to eat spoonfuls of white sugar!) to get a fix. I used to wake up after an episode and feel like I had been drinking all night.
I feel for you—it sucks. But, please, please, please know you are not losing your mind, you are not alone in this. And it is possible to break the cycle, but you may need to talk to find some outside help. And seriously? Hugs. It took some strength to admit it. I lied about my problem with this for a long, long time before I was able to get help.
Oh, man, am I with you, with a few twists. If I totally undereat for a few days, it is hell for those few days, but then I stop feeling hungry and can manage a regular, healthy diet. But then one “fun” event where I have a second serving of something will trigger the inability to be satisfied again.
Even right now, my stomach is grumbling even though I just ate a large bowl of oatmeal (with flaxseed and other healthy junk that is supposed to make me feel full) just an hour ago. I keep drinking water to avoid eating again until lunch, but after awhile my crabbiness and inability to focus will have me reaching for an apple… or a piece of leftover Halloween candy.
I don’t eat large amounts all at once, but I end up eating more frequently than I should because I seldom feel truly “full.” I’ll then get frustrated and eat something that I know will give me relief for a bit longer — like a bowl of pasta or a hamburger — but once a couple hours have passed I’m back to the grumbly tummy.
The other thing that kills me is that at night I’ll “meal plan” and the healthy food seems appetizing. I’ll think that a salad with sliced chicken and avocado sounds divine, but then the next day when it is time to actually eat the salad, I’m rooting around in the cupboards looking for pasta, or I’ll actually get in my car to drive to the burrito place to get a marinated tofu wrap. That kind of behavior increases the waistline while decreasing the wallet!
Plus – for me exercise doesn’t often decrease food cravings as it does for some people. I’d eat a ton if allowed to post-exercise; and, since I’m usually grumpy and exhausted after exercising (rather than energized/positive like others)I’m in an emotionally vulnerable state where I might eat something more satisfying (especially with the warped idea that I’ve earned it for exercising.) So sometimes I find that I actually lose weight if I allow myself a few “rest” days – because I’m in a better mood and a bit less hungry!
Whoo – sorry for the long comment, but this is definitely a subject I think about a great deal.
Ditto what @elsewise said. I would exercise all damn day but I just cannot seem to stay on track with healthy eating for whatever reason. I don’t eat “bad” in general but there are certainly days where I eat ALL THE THINGS. Not good.
But – I started up with Jillian again! Ripped in 30 this time (in between gym workouts, yoga and a bit of running) so we’ll see…
You are definitely not alone. From the closeted eating to the compulsive for a sugar fix (actually mine is more like a “fatty carb mixed with creamy textured topping” fix). My current compulsion started after I returned from vacation in August and gradually ramped up to a full blown compulsion by mid-September. Normally, I use exercise to balance it out but lately illness, injury and conflicting medical information from my doctor effected my workouts as well.
I rejoined WW thinking that the accountability of the weigh-ins and group meetings would help. Four weeks in and I’ve reduced the compulsive episodes but they are certainly still there. I’m thinking I need to get some assistance from a professional because I honestly don’t know how to stop this behavior and this is the longest period of time I’ve gone into full binge mode.
I know what you mean.
I feel completely controlled by food. If I’m being healthy, I’m thinking of healthy foods to eat or healthy recipes that my boyfriend won’t notice are healthy.
If I’m being unhealthy then I’m constantly making excuses and rationalising. I go through a phase every week right now. It gets to Thursday or Friday and I decide to go meet friends for a drink, which often leads to grabbing a pizza on he way home. Then Friday or Saturday night there’s always a party, and I drink myself drunk. Fuck it, I’m 22, why not? But there’s that excuse again. Being 22 doesn’t make binge drinking every weekend okay. And on Sunday when I’m hungover, I’ll buy a heap of fatty, salty, sugary hangover food which I never actually finish on the Sunday. On Monday I finish the leftover junk from the day before and then figure I’ve already ruined my healthy eating for the day, I may as well continue.
Tuesday and Wednesday I try to get back on track. It doesn’t always happen as I have a very hungry boyfriend.
I tell myself that next week I’ll go on a real diet. I’ll do Dukan or something. But I know I won’t. If anything I’ll only end up starving myself for a couple of days and raid the fridge at midnight.
It would be lovely to be a kid again, and just eat what’s given to me at mealtimes without spending every second of every day thinking about food.
Kit, hang in there girl. I was you once. Let me tell you, if you don’t get a grip, you’ll be 53 someday looking back saying “I was skinny once”
Go to parties….you’re right, you’re 22 and it’s your time to have fun, but learn this trick if you MUST drink, have one drink followed by a glass of water, throw a lime on it and everyone will think it’s vodka, then if you want/need another drink, have one but always follow one drink with one glass of water (and I mean an 8oz glass).
As far as the Sunday hang over food, I get that too, Pizza was mine, it’s great for soaking up the alcohol and making you feel alive again, but Sunday night, whatever is left…THROW IT IN THE TRASH…..JUST DO IT!!!!
Stay on the wagon M-F and maybe eventually you’ll get control over your healthy eating and believe it or not, a healthy way to party!
Best of luck in the New Year and stay safe!
This article made me laugh so hard….. I can’t stress how much I understand. You articulated so well exactly my relationship with food! I too have done the same with sprinkles, I have boxes of Betty Crocker cake mixes that are missing the icing sachets due to moments of desperation. Once my switch is flicked I can’t stop… beyond the 1st spoonful of icing, I can’t say I even enjoyed it but I didn’t stop until every last bit was squeezed out. I have always been like this… Easter as a child meant me eating so much chocolate so quickly that I didn’t even enjoy most of it but I just couldn’t stop. My siblings would have a chocolate supply for a month but mine would be gone in days. I understand the closeted eating too… again this started as a child. My mother wouldn’t buy nutella but my nana always had it and I loved it so I would always ask if I could make myself a sandwich when we visited. Then I would proceed to layer an inch (no less, maybe more) of nutella on the sandwich and then press the crusts down so it looked “normal” to everyone. Then off I would go in private to gorge. By the end of the sandwich the oily texture would be making me queazy but i never stopped until it was all gone. “When I am good, I am very, very good but when I am bad I am horrid!” completely describes my relationship with food. At the moment I am being perfect as I do when I am trying to lose weight and become fit (halfway through week 3 of ripped in 30 with amazing results and have not cheated once)… I will try to stick with it until the excess kgs are gone with a reward at the end of every month (my reward for the 1st month will be yum cha – thinking of it is keeping me going at moments of weakness) but i am going to try something new once I get to the maintenance phase… I am going to attempt to work with my compulsion… I will try to be good all week and then have one cheat day to gorge and do as I please. I am not sure if it will work, but I figure it is worth a shot… if i can stick to the one day only rule, I will be working with my compulsion rather than fighting it completely or completely giving in. Wish me luck!
I’m sooooo with ya! I am so relieved to hear that others have my problem…wish we didn’t be I thought I was alone. I feel like an alcoholic….only I eat in secret. If I don’t get my daily fix of carbs (that’s my trigger) I’m grouchy and just a mess. I’m doing the 30 day shred with my daughter (who’s a runner) and I eat healthy at home but I’m overweight, have a knee injury that confines what workouts I can do and to be honest, I travel in my car everyday for a living and when I’m alone…..there’s NO control. No one will see me, I toss the wrappers out before getting home, I feel so guilty. Is there some kind of therapy out there for closet eaters? At least I’ve found this site and can find some support here. I’ll pray for y’all, keep me in yours!